confessions

it is true that thoughts do lead to actions. Once a thought is sown, it leads to actions which is a manifestation of those thoughts and by the time, you feel the huge regret because it is too late. 

sbb once told me that if things did go out of hand he would be heartbroken and i was like most likely if anybody did anything would they tell you about it? 
maybe why things happened the way it did was because of the pressure, that oh you know M is so likeable by people and he has gone out with x number of people and oh have you? poor little uncouth village kid. somehow i feel like crying, onto the shoulder of a stranger, who wouldn't know what I'm crying about. 

what was that about? the look, the feeling, the attraction. its definitely not of God, because its so fleeting and strong, almost compelling me to do things i would regret. if i told sbb about this he would be very sad. i still rmb the feeling, it resonates inside me, and i almost stepped forward, just almost. but theres this voice within me that says, NO, dont do it, dont make people your experiment, dont drag people into your world of troubles, dont do it. i know i would regret it for sure, because its the same voice of caution that has always been cautioning me as i made my mistakes. yet i still went ahead with it. 

im in trouble, serious trouble. I'm exploring my boundaries, and sometimes i feel that i might have gone too far. I'm no longer the girl i used to be, careful and wary, because to people whom i can trust i just trust. and somehow I'm scared that i didn't get the chance to be with different guys, to experience how it is like around them, being treated nicely. but again this is just the tip of the iceberg, for whats there to impress after the first meeting? nothing very much i guess. all these is but my wishful imagination. 

i was telling sbb yesterday that maybe i would wna go out with a couple of others, and feel like I'm single again. but then i knew it wouldn't work, because it is simply not God's plan. 


this is kenny happening all over again.