it's hard to focus, to concentrate especially when your brain is so fuzzy and you dont really know whats wrong. sometimes it isn't good to think about what may, or may not be in the future, maybe it is good to take one day at a time and not thing so much. i have this report to do up and I'm really really wanting to hide inside my blanket and not have to deal with anything. sometimes i find myself really like a failure cuz i cannot achieve anything much at the end of the day due to so many stupid limitations. what is so difficult about this job? it is not anything much anyway right? you dont have to contact so many people, you dont have to do many things but i just feel like i might not be able to handle harder tasks if they are given to me, and the root of it is really because these people are so established and i feel like a failure when i think myself against them. but they are really so much older and in life every one takes a different path. and then i think is this going to be the rest of my life? feeling so scared and stressed and crying now for the second day con sec at work. you better not let ppl see you cry because it is a form of weakness and you are so weak. why? why are these thoughts coming back to you after like a month of liberation from them? sometimes God i feel that I'm not really here and You're not really here, but then You are at the end of the day.
the scanner wasn't working today, nothing was really working today and I'm glad i got the sngs schedule out, that was rather fast. i feel so weak, that i can't really handle anything much, any pressure just means that i'll burst, and why am i like that? how am i to move on to larger, better things? or maybe I'm just destined to do nothing much? i dont know what God's plan is for me. as june comes to an end and july draws nearer, i know my time here is limited and i have to find something else to do soon. new adjustments and new plans, I'm not ready for anything. sometimes i wished that i just took on that teaching scholarship so i dont have to think about my future. just do whatever they tell me to and then work with it.
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