having any desire is a curse, but why doesn't anyone complain about that? because they solve their own damn problem each time. sometimes questions don't have answers.
and I'm damn tired of going to you telling you the same damn thing every month, because you CANNOT solve my problem, and you trying to is just wrong, and I feel bad after that, and so it's just a viscous cycle.
I hate intimacy because of all these things, I hate to kiss you now because honestly I am tired of being pushed away, of you ending things within 2 seconds, I hate that damn thing called desire because I HATE IT. I hate it so much I wish I didn't have any desire, it would be so much better if I didn't want to hug you or kiss you because it would make my life much easier and then things would be where they should be right? you don't have to feel bad because I made you make a mistake then you have to fix me after that.
sex is sinful, and even within the bounds of marriage I don't think I will ever enjoy it because it just brings back so much painful memories and hateful emotions, because it builds up every damn month, I cry and I am unhappy because I don't know how to solve my own problem, and im supposed to look to God to solve it for me.
I'm tired of getting rejected and for hearing the same thing you need to talk to someone about this maybe they can understand you. no I don't need to. sometimes it's memory, like you immediately retract when people push you away, so when the hurt and pain comes along with it, how can anyone feel like that want to initiate a hug, or like express their feelings hahaha
yesterday I was at a crib/bed shop and then there was this bed and muff was like we can sleep at the lower bunk cuz it's queen and the kid can sleep above. and immediately this vile feeling rose within me, because why the hell is it that marriage is a ticket to all these damn things it's like you get married and all these things are available to you. okay then.
like now just initiating a kiss is already so difficult and why the hell must I initiate right? then after marriage you expect things to come easy? after years of memory that each time I approach you you end things quickly and push me away
it shouldn't be a tit for tat thing. and like people can be anticipating wedding and the entire honeymoon thing but then idk why I resent that. I hide all the photos on fb of my friends going on honeymoon and them saying how happy they are. okay good for them. moving on. like the time when I have to make so much effort to kiss you or to show you that I want something then it just is like automatic next time? please la, nothing is ever automatic. unless something big happens, and God removes this knot in my heart I will always resent intimacy.
I told you how I felt deep down, and I'm not going to repeat myself. you know how I'm feeling.
when I leave this house later to go out not one DROP OF DAMN TEAR leave my eye.
each time I make a mistake I'm tired of hearing we should have we should have this or that, and then I'm tired of feeling bad after, feeling like I should have done better, so I'm going to start desiring something else, the focus is no longer going to be on you, because why? for what? not like I can act on my desire lol and not that you're super in need also haha
what I don't get is why I need you? so many people solve their own problems differently so I don't understand why I can't turn my desire somewhere else haha.
keepchanting in your head and finally you will get it. if you think you're fat, you're fat. if you think you're thin, you're thin.
this blog post is freaking incriminating honestly if anyone from my country reads this im going to take it down
it's the first I'm openly writing about it on the blog, this place has been a place for me to vent haha :D
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